Managing Your Mindset

9 Tips to Help Manage Fear of Rejection in Intimate Relationships

I want to give you a couple of coaching tips on intimate relationships and how to, you know, overcome the fear of being in an intimate relationship. My friend wanted me to talk about fear of rejection in intimate relationships.

We all have basic needs and one of those needs is being loved or a sense of belonging that helps us when we need some stability, support. Sometimes our self-esteem can get in the way of that. It is scary putting our trust in someone else, especially when they can trample all over our heart. And relationships need certain things such as trust, communication, compassion, mindfulness, perception, chemistry, friendship, love. and from what I see self-esteem gets in the way of that a lot of times. I know it has in my past, and I am sure it has in your past. Low self-esteem keeps us from forming healthy, productive relationships.

 Also, some people have criteria lists. A criteria list that you check off.  Nope, they’re too tall, they’re too short. Their car isn’t fancy enough. They don’t make enough money, too many kids. Whatever that criteria list is we keep that criteria list a lot of times to protect ourselves, keep ourselves from getting hurt, because we’re looking for that perfect person. But there are no perfect people out there. We all have flaws. But it’s just literally learning how to interact with somebody and trust them and not let your insecurities tear you down through that whole process. And these lists, these criteria lists keep us from that rejection. They just support the fear of intimate relationships, right? Letting ourselves put trust in someone else’s hands is not easy. Especially when they can take advantage of us. But when you’re practicing a healthy, positive mindset, what happens is that all of a sudden, you start to see yourself in a different light. And you start to learn how to form stronger relationships, because you believe in yourself, and you’re not constantly tearing yourself down.

So today, I want to give you nine tips that might help you learn how to enter an intimate relationship and make it successful.

Tip number one:  Be aware of the fear. You’ve got to be aware of your emotions. Are you aware of your fear or your emotions, whether you’re sad, happy, angry? If you’re not aware of that, then you can’t manage your mindset. So being aware is the first step to learning how to manage your mindset.

Tip number two:  Learn how to re-channel that emotion, the fear? Well, let’s say you’re in a relationship, and all of a sudden, you’re starting to think bad things about yourself, and you’re tearing yourself down or you find things about yourself that the other person might not like.  If you are aware of what your mind is doing, you can re-channel that fear. Get up, go for a walk, read a book, read some positive quotes, talk to your partner, whatever it is, you’ve got to learn how to re-channel that fear. That’s really important.   

Tip number three: Personal positive affirmations. A personal affirmation is a piece of development for yourself. You want to have positive affirmations around you, quotes, sayings on your mirror sayings in your car, positive quotes on your refrigerator. These positive quotes can help your mind build a positive mindset, especially when you start to go down that road of thinking that you’re not worthy enough for somebody else. That’s when you pull out these positive affirmations. You want to read them daily, you want to practice them daily, and you want to make sure that you are incorporating them in your mindset.

Tip number four:  Be vulnerable. Talk to your partner about how you feel. It’s really tough letting ourselves talk about what’s going on inside of us. A lot of people have a hard time doing this and a lot of people don’t want to talk about personal things. If you want to be in a healthy positive relationship, one must learn how to communicate on each other’s level, not just your own. So, make yourself vulnerable. Now you want to make sure you can trust the other person that you’re being vulnerable with because it could be disastrous. If you feel like you can trust somebody, then be vulnerable, open up to them, share your deepest, darkest secrets. When you carry those deepest, darkest secrets with you all the time it plays on your mindset and it keeps you in a dark space. Expressing yourself can help others understand you better and will most likely bring you closer together. 

Tip number five: Own your differences. I want you to think back when someone started liking you. Was it because you wore the wrong clothes, you drove the wrong car, you were too fat, or too mean? No, when they entered a relationship with you, it was because they saw the positive in you. So, build on that positive and stop trying to hold on to the negative. The negative does not do you or anyone else any good. Hold on to the positive and try to see yourself in a different light. Because we are all unique. We’re all special, we all bring something different to the table. And we all have a place and a value in this world.   

Tip number six:  Own your past. Your past is your past and it is your past for a reason. Don’t let your past control you, define you, navigate your future. Your past is your past. And by practicing a positive, powerful mindset, you can put that past exactly where it’s supposed to be… in the PAST.

Tip number seven:  Setting goals. So, I’ve just given you six different things to work on. Now you can start setting goals for yourself which is important because it keeps us motivated. If week over week you don’t have any goals set but you find yourself complaining, complaining, complaining, then that could be the problem. When you complain, complain, complain and you’re not willing to do anything about it, it just becomes annoying. I believe that working towards goals and bettering yourself will lead to the life you genuinely want and healthier relationships with people. Setting goals each week of things you want to learn or things you want to accomplish, work on, whether career or your personal life, goals help you get where you want to go.   

Tip number eight: Set boundaries, we all need boundaries. And if we don’t set those boundaries upfront for the other person, we could lose ourselves and our individuality really quickly. Setting boundaries is important. For instance, let’s say you get in a relationship and you start to spend all your time together because it’s so awesome. And it feels so good spending so much time with somebody that likes you. But then six months down the road, suddenly, you don’t have any time for anything else. You can’t find the time to develop yourself, work on your career, hobbies, friends. And pretty soon, your frustrations kick in because you didn’t set boundaries for yourself up front. Listen, y’all, we must be individuals first. And we must like ourselves first, before we can be in a relationship. Setting boundaries up front show self-respect for yourself.

Tip number nine:  Practice self-worth, put self-worth into motion. You know, you can’t have this positive, powerful mindset if you don’t practice it. And practice makes perfect in anything you do. Whether you learn to ride a bike, you learn a new skill at work, you learn how to drive a car, whatever it is, all of it took practice. So, if you want a positive, powerful mindset, practice these nine tips. Put those nine tips into practice.

Practicing these nine steps takes time, it takes a lot of true commitment. Changing how you feel about yourself, how you see yourself, and taking action to quit letting yourself hold you back is a true commitment. This commitment to a mindset that will get you where you want to go. And it will help you accomplish any of the goals that you have in life.  

Being in a relationship is a lot of work and if you’re not willing to work on yourself while you’re in that relationship, you’re probably going to have a hard time being in that relationship. Actively listening and learning how to communicate effectively, are really two big skills that you need in a relationship. Because lack of these two things causes a lot of frustration.

I hope this helps. I hope it gives you some tips to work on so you can go out and find the most amazing relationship of your life while building stronger relationships around you. We as people need relationships for support and for stability, a basic psychological need. The world becomes a better place when we learn to build healthy, stronger relationships.

10 Tips to Manage Your Anxiety Attitude

Do you find yourself trapped in this constant anxious, stressed out state that has your nerves standing on end and your belly constantly doing jittery flip flops? Unfortunately, you are not alone. Many Americans struggle to handle the day to day life challenges and typically do not know how to handle the rush of emotions and pressures that are thrown at us every day. For women, this anxiety is even turned up a notch with the enormous amount of daily responsibilities on our plates. Raising children, running errands, getting your child to dance, football, girl scouts, birthday parties, slumber parties, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, WORK! The list is endless, and the pressure can take down any strong woman if they are not equipped to handle the bandwidth of responsibilities.

Many times, in my personal life and career my “to do” list always seemed to get longer, not shorter. The long work weeks with excessive hours and the responsibilities to my family and home became exhausting until I acquired these simple steps to manage my time, my stress level, and my attitude.

Unfortunately, when we become stressed or anxious, most people around us notice. Sometimes we wear our emotions on our sleeve and take out our stress levels on those around us because our attitude is suffering from overload. Our attitude towards life is key to handling all of life’s challenges and how we manage our time is important to handling the amount of responsibilities on our daily task list.

Here are 10 key practices to helping you resolve daily attitude anxiety:

  1. The phrase, “it’s all in the attitude”, is not just a phrase but the truth. Our attitude we choose each morning on how to face the day is key to managing your mindset and key to handling the challenges or issues that are thrown at you every day. Life is going to throw obstacles at you your entire life, but it is how your attitude towards those obstacles that make all the difference. If I have a crappy attitude, I will have a negative mindset when dealing with issues. And when you have a negative perspective on life, most often you are not going to come with a mindset to solve the problem. Adopting a positive mindset allows you to find solutions, opportunities, alternatives. Choosing to start your day, every day, with a positive mindset takes practice, but will help you approach life differently and generate solutions to resolve life’s challenges every day.
  2. Plan out your day in advance – managing your calendar is one of the most important tasks you can do to stay organized. Sharing your calendar with your family also helps everyone stay on the same page. Frustration and anxiety start when we miss an appointment or forget about dinner plans. Knowing what your day is going to bring by reviewing your calendar the night before is critical to building your mindset for the day you are about to face. Having your day lined out by leveraging technology is one of the quickest and easiest ways to keep your head above water.  It also allows you to share tasks with your family when your plate becomes too full. I highly encourage sharing calendars so that communication can stay on point. Using digital technology also allows for reminders so you do not miss a thing. Planning is a key role in managing your mindset and being prepared to take on the day, eliminating unwanted surprises.
  3. Learn to say “No”. This goes hand in hand with your calendar usage. It also allows for you to say “No”. If you do not have room on your calendar, do not say yes, because it usually ends up causing you more stress and anxiety. Saying yes when you do not have time just puts more pressure on you and may draw attention from something more important, life your family. It is ok to say no when your plate is full. Your attitude will thank you for it.
  4. Hold family meetings, even if it is just two of you. Line out the chore schedule for the week so that everyone knows their role. Chores, cooking, laundry, etc. can be extremely time consuming especially after a long day of work. Sharing chores, especially with children, helps build necessary life skills, improves activity, teamwork, responsibility, awareness to household living, while alleviating what is on your plate. Being a Mom does not mean doing everything yourself.
  5. Start recognizing your emotions if you have not already. Notice when you are irritable or being snarky to others. Notice when you feel sluggish, anxious, or unmotivated. Stop in the moment when you recognize an unwanted emotion. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth 3 times to calm yourself.  Then repeat this: I am strong, I can do this, I control my emotions. Once you are aware of the unwanted emotion, change your physical state. If you are sitting down, stand up. If you are lying down, walk around. Ask to do something for someone else to get out of your head and into your body. Being aware of your emotions is a key step to managing them.
  6. Self-talk. Most researchers talk about the “inner critic” or “inner voice” which is our self-talk. Have you ever paid attention to what your self-talk is telling you? Is it negative? Positive? Are you speaking highly of yourself or constantly saying you are not good enough? Listen, we are all different and each of us possesses unique skills from the rest. We all matter, and we are all worthy. We are unique which is the most powerful piece about each of us. Harness your differences from others and use them to influence people to see the positive in life rather than the constant negative. What you tell yourself everyday matters. If you tell yourself you cannot, you will not. If you think you are not good enough, you will not be. Change your self-talk by putting messages on your mirror, on the refrigerator, your car, or wherever you will see the positive messaging. Train your mind to be kinder to yourself and always promote yourself in a positive light so you can love yourself.
  7. Take 2 hours each week to work on yourself and your own personal development. When we stop learning, we get bored, complacent, unmotivated. There are millions of things to learn and the intranet is a huge resource to do so. Learning new things motivates the mind and spirit. Working to become the best possible version of ourselves is vital to our personal growth and overall lifetime happiness. Read a book, take an online course, learn more about yourself, take a fitness challenge, whatever it is, do it for YOU! Your dedication to your personal journey will help you re-channel unwanted emotions and help you build a positive powerful mindset.
  8. Commit to a healthier lifestyle. What we put in our body impacts our overall health and mental state. Many studies have proven that not receiving proper nourishment can affect the way we feel, the way we behave, our motivation, and our sleep among many other affects. Incorporating whole foods and activity in your life will play a contributing factor to your overall mindset and energy needed to get through the day.
  9. Choose to handle your day with grace, compassion, and kindness so others around you do not feel the wrath of your path. We all have bad days but taking out our bad day on those around us is not fair to them. People remember words said to them. It is an experience, so it sticks and most carry hurtful phrases, words, experience with them. What we say to people now will affect them for the rest of their lives. Be careful how you spread your attitude each day when you are faced with pressure.
  10. Do better, be better, treat people better. If you live with this motto, it will truly impact how you treat others. We live in a time where mindfulness, perceptiveness, and thoughtfulness are a lost quality in many people. It truly is our choice how we treat each other. It is a choice to have a crappy or happy attitude. The success of our relationships with family, friends, our children, our coworkers depends on our internal attitude and mindset. When we blow our top, shout out a snarky comment, or belittle someone, it is a choice. So right now, in this moment, you can choose to do better, be better, and treat people better. Choosing this mindset, will help change your ability to handle life and what it throws at you. It will help you build better relationships and help you deal with the constant anxieties and pressures of life.